The month of March was full of surprises. Surprises that were easy to embrace and surprises that were hard to bare. That month was a working progress between myself and God with a huge increase in my faith. I have always had SO much faith as my eyes were opened to things unseen when I chose to follow the greatest King that ever was, is and is to come.
Not to long ago in 2015, I remember praying a lot for an increase in faith. Christians know all to well, that praying that prayer comes trials and opprotunities to grow and place even more or all trust in Him. Growing closer to Jesus over the years, I know that there is always a choice with everything that is placed in front of us. He is not going to make us take the leap, but He does ask us to trust Him. Sometimes that can be one of the most difficult things to do.
In March we were approved by ohip (which was rare in our case to happen - long story) to have a certain test taken through blood work and sent out to the United States for analysis. The test takes anywhere from three weeks to 45 days to complete. Our treatment was on hold until the results were back as our treatment protocol could change drastically. As you can imagine, the thought of more waiting was heartbreaking. Not only would we need to wait for a whole other cycle or two, but the results seemed so far away with so many variances.
Will I trust? Or will I run. The choice was mine. He will carry all of our shame, all of our anxiety and all of our fears if we give them to him.
Will I trust? Or will I run. The choice was mine. He will carry all of our shame, all of our anxiety and all of our fears if we give them to him.
I love these lyrics by Casting Crowns: "If your eyes are on the storm, you wonder if I love you still, but if your eyes are on the cross, you'll know I always have and that I always will."
After just over a week of wrestling with anxiety, sadness and fear, I met with our pastor and his lovely wife for guidance. That conversation can be summed up with this statement:
"His grace is enough."
Holding onto control of a situation can feel so great sometimes, but that comfort only lasts so long. Control encompasses anxiety and other fallen emotions that rob the joys in life.
A few days later I had given our circumstance ALL to Him. I turned my eyes to see His face as all my fears were surrendered. Taking that leap was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
From there on, I turned my thoughts around, I got a grip on my heart even though my mind and flesh longed to be sad, fearful and depressed. My joy will not be robbed by the enemy. He cannot touch this joy. The enemy seeks to lie, rob and destroy. He hates relationship, marriage, joy, peace and many more things. He is unfortunately at the root of many marriages, relationships and circumstances. The good news is, he can't stand when we pick up our weapons of light and rid him from our situations. There is a spiritual world all around us that we cannot see....constant battles of light and dark. I'm not just blowing smoke....
Ephesians 6:12 "For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."
So what are we to do? What was I to do in my time of turmoil?
Ephesians 6:13-17 "Therefore, put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand...stand firm then, with the belt of truth around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
His word gives us ALL instruction for dealing with any situation you can think of. I am so glad I don't have to do this life on my own.
As March came and left, we found out on April 11, that the blood test arrived at the US lab that very day. It turned out the process of getting there took a bit longer (March 16-April 11 to be exact). The three week mark started from that day all over again. That email was not difficult to read at all. More waiting? No problem, was my answer. My patience and understanding had grown so much through this trial, I was ready for anything.
As March came and left, we found out on April 11, that the blood test arrived at the US lab that very day. It turned out the process of getting there took a bit longer (March 16-April 11 to be exact). The three week mark started from that day all over again. That email was not difficult to read at all. More waiting? No problem, was my answer. My patience and understanding had grown so much through this trial, I was ready for anything.
In summary, I handed over all my control which encompasses anxiety, fear and stress. He has FLOODED me as His word promises with peace, unconditional love and understanding. Our treatment may have been delayed for a short while longer, but the faith that I increased and the knowledge and love that is embedded in my heart will last for an eternity. Further more, He has told me that I will be a better mother because of it. By the time this baby gets here I will be right where I need to be for our son or daughter.
Our hashtag on Instagram for this journey is #letterstobabyhanley
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