letters to baby : his timing and answered prayer

This one is a long one so buckle up! It was posted after the day I wrote it as we wanted to tell family our news first. <3

Today is February 14th and we just finished a wonderful two days investing in our marriage at the XO Marriage Today conference 2016 simulcast out of Texas. This massive church in Texas was full of thousands of people, and there were thousands of other churches around the world that tuned in to invest in marriage and learn how to raise a standard for marriage in today's world. A lot of our marriage success and tools stem from Jimmy and Karen Evan's teaching from Marriage Today and Marriage on a Rock. Going through their teachings before we were married was one of the best decisions we have ever made. Listening to two days of life giving biblical truth and love about marriage and my covenant was truly the perfect way to end this very long and stressful week.

the clinic draw and supportive friends

Tonight, I sat here staring at this blank screen wondering where to begin in sharing our past week with you. As you know from my last entry, the last draw that our clinic hosted for government funded IVF was last Friday, February 5, 2016. That day in itself was actually not a rough day for us. We were disappointed that we were not chosen but turned our sights on God and accepted what it was. The difficulty began the next day and into this past week.

We were so blessed to have people contact us on the day of the draw to see if we had been chosen. We are so thankful for two specific wonderful loving people, Scott and Sam Parent. They messaged and called us on Friday to see how we were and as usual, gave us uplifting words of promise. Mitchell has known Scott and Sam for a very long time as they had met at Hi Way church in Barrie, ON through the youth group. Once Mitch and I started dating, I of course met them through him. Our friendship has gone through many difficult times and even times of separation. Needless to say our bond has gone through many seasons of growth and strength the last two years. Our friendship is a testimony to show how God can restore any relationship, not matter how broken it is.

We had the Parent's over for dinner on the day after the draw (Saturday). There is never a dull moment in their company and it is always surrounded with God centred conversation and lots of laughter...lots of it. Truly some of the best medicine. When they arrived, they had a gift for us. Little did we know this gift would play a huge part in changing everything about our IVF journey. We later found out that God put it on their hearts to give to us. I was handed a bag with Mitch at my side. I pulled out a lovely hand written card full of words and affirmation of us becoming parents. I then pulled out a mug that stated "Never Never Never Give Up". Inside of it was a little rabbit rattle for our baby. The last item I pulled out was our first onesie. It was perfect. We had never received such real and powerful gifts like these in a time of sorrow. I was speechless. It brought me so much joy. Holding that little onesie had brought our last 6 years into something real and tangible. I was blown away by the thought into this gift.

one of my most difficult weeks in this venture

On Sunday, I had woken up very conflicted in our plans for IVF future. I was restless all morning and felt uncomfortable in my own skin. We had discussed on the day of the draw that we would wait until the next one on July 1, and if not chosen, then we would procede with non funded IVF and fund it ourselves. That was the original plan after all. Sunday turned into a day that had my stomach in a knot. I was crying one minute and the next feeling fully confident in our decision. I was praying for guidance as I had never felt such a roller coster of emotion before.

These were the thoughts going through my mind every minute and into the week;

"July is perfect, we will surly have a higher chance at being chosen and we can save so much money."

"We will finally be able to start in July, February was just not the right timing."

"Someone else needed it more, I can wait longer."

"We can pay for this ourselves if July doesn't work out, no problem."

"I would love to have that money for their college fund, and maybe a few nursery items."

"Should I paint the nursery now?"

"July literally will not work, Mitch is going back for his last round of schooling in the fall which is two months full time and he can't miss a day. If we get chosen in July, the treatment starts between September and December, I will be doing this alone!"

"If I do this alone...wait, can I and should I be doing this alone?"

"If we wait until the summer to start, regardless, Mitch will not be able to support me as he cannot miss school."

"Jesus help me!"

Cray I know. Woman reading this, you know spiderwebbing thoughts all too well... These were my thoughts every minute of every day into the week. I am not used to disorganized thoughts and anxiety. Whenever I feel unsure, anxiety or fear, I cast it on Jesus, like he asks us too. He then gives me peace, rest and assurance that an answered prayer will come. I talked to God all week as per usual but for some reason...control reasons, I didn't give Him my burdens. I knew He could take it all away. I knew He could clear my head and put me on the right path again, but I didn't let Him. I held onto complete turmoil of not knowing when the right time to begin IVF would be.

Later on Sunday afternoon, I went up to the future nursery and held the onesie again. I sobbed for a good hour, and my incredible husband comforted me. I now know, that piece of clothing symbolized so much and put a lot into perspective for me. Throughout the week, we started to talk about IVF start times for this year as we are beyond ready to start. The big question is, do we wait until the draw? If we are chosen, we won't start treatment until the fall or winter. Mitch is in school and truly cannot miss this.

long awaited answered prayer and guidance

On Wednesday, we started to revisit our initial plan (before funding was even an option) of moving forward this March. We realized we would rather pay our full cost of IVF, then to wait for potential funding. Clinics are expecting a large amount of people who are interested in funding. Our clinic stated they could be backed up with funded IVF inquiries up to eight years. The cost of IVF is manageable for us through God's blessings and our jobs. We started saving a few years back and have funds to put towards it. God will ultimatly decide if we get pregnant, and how many children we will potentially have. He promised us in many different ways over the years that we would one day have a baby. After our conversation, starting in March was an option again, but I started to be conflicted with thinking I was taking over the reins.

On Thursday, we went to our small group. It is just the four of us. We knew we were being led to talk to this couple about our new plans and we knew we needed their wisdom. They fully confirmed for us and gave peace to our questions and ideas of starting IVF this spring. That night and the next day we were no longer in turmoil of emotions, but were flooded with peace and joy. God had revelled to us that this was the time to begin, regardless of cost. Starting now means my husband can be with me the whole way and we don't have to wait another year to start. Now is perfect and we are beyond ready; physically, spiritually and emotionally. All these years and all of the waiting through the year and a half process of funding to take place, was well worth the wait. It built our faith to a new level. This is not only our IVF journey but God's journey of building us stronger in Him and stronger in our marriage. Our faith, patience and understanding has grown exponentially over the past four years of marriage...all of it leading up to this moment. March is the month we are going to start preparation for making our babies! The next leg of our journey starts around March 27th! I will post a new entry soon about what our next steps look like.

To our future baby who will perhaps read this as a teenager or adult, know that we have loved you since before you were created. We can't wait to meet you face to face. Know that you are perfect in God's design and our love for you will never compare to what He will give you. Where we lack as parents, He will make up for. Never stop praying and talking to Him. Know that your identity is in him, and not us. Your identity cannot be found in a spouse or in some item or idea this world congers up. He has made you, uniquely you. You have a unique mind, a unique personality and a unique soul. I want you to know that we pray over you every day and speak life into your unborn self. God hears our prayer to you. You are protected even now. The enemy cannot touch our words into your life. You will be here soon and I cannot wait. You will be a fighter and most of all you will be LOVED.

Love mom.